Gibson

Why “Being Good With Money” Can Feel Wrong and How to Gently Rewrite the Script**

Most of us absorb our beliefs about money long before we ever earn any.
By the time we reach adulthood, these early messages behave like background software: automatic, familiar and usually unnoticed.
One of the most common is the money avoidance script.

It sounds like:
“Money is bad. Wanting more makes me selfish. Rich people are greedy.
If I care about money, that makes me a certain kind of person and I do not want to be that.”

This script often feels moral. It presents itself as being good, being humble or not being materialistic. But when left unexamined, it can quietly undermine your financial wellbeing and create stress you never intended.

What Money Avoidance Looks Like in Everyday Life

When this script is active, it often shows up as:

• Choosing lower paid roles because earning more feels uncomfortable or undeserved
• Self-sabotage when money starts to flow, such as letting opportunities slip away
• Giving money away quickly or over-helping others so you never feel too well off
• Feeling guilty when spending on yourself, even on things that genuinely help
• Avoiding your bank account or delaying financial tasks for as long as possible
• Associating money with conflict because that is what you witnessed growing up

These responses are rarely about discipline. They are about identity, safety and deeply held values. If you grew up hearing that rich people are greedy or that wealth causes harm, avoiding money can feel like the only way to remain good and loyal to the people who shaped you.

Where the Script Often Comes From

Money avoidance can be rooted in:

• Childhood narratives that framed wealth as dangerous, unfair or not for people like us
• Cultural or religious messages that positioned money as morally questionable
• Family experiences where money created stress, conflict or instability
• Roles or identities centred around care, where earning well feels at odds with helping others

These beliefs often made sense at the time. They helped you feel safe or connected. The challenge is that they can become limiting once your life, responsibilities and goals evolve.

The Cost of Staying in Avoidance

A persistent avoidant script can lead to:

• Chronic financial stress
• Difficulty building savings or long term security
• Feeling held back professionally
• Over-giving and eventual resentment or exhaustion
• A sense of disconnect from your own needs and goals

You do not need to abandon your values in order to change this script. The aim is not to swing to the opposite extreme. It is to build a calmer, more balanced relationship with money so decisions can be made from clarity rather than guilt.

Rewriting the Script: Practical and Gentle Ways to Shift Money Avoidance

Below are supportive, non-judgemental ideas that help loosen the grip of this script. None of these are financial advice. They are simply ways to explore and reshape your relationship with money.

1. Rewrite the Story in Your Own Words

Ask yourself: What did I learn about money growing up? Who taught me? What were they trying to protect me from?
By understanding the origin of the script, you create distance between the belief and your current reality.

2. Reframe Money as a Tool Rather Than a Measure of Worth

Money can support safety, choice, creativity and generosity. Seeing it as a resource rather than a moral issue can significantly reduce fear and guilt.

3. Replace Avoidance With Small, Neutral Actions

Instead of forcing major changes, start with simple check-ins such as:

• Opening your banking app once a week
• Reviewing one bill or document at a time
• Setting a five minute timer for any avoided task

Small actions create momentum without overwhelming your nervous system.

4. Practise Receiving Without Justifying

If a compliment, promotion or payment comes your way, notice any instinct to deflect it. Practise saying a simple “thank you” without explanation. This builds comfort with the idea that it is acceptable to receive value.

5. Spend on Yourself With Intention, Not Guilt

Choose one small purchase that genuinely supports your wellbeing. Treat it as evidence that caring for yourself is neither frivolous nor selfish.

6. Explore Your Values and How Money Can Support Them

Many people with avoidant scripts are deeply values-driven. Mapping out what matters to you can help you see how financial stability can enhance your impact rather than undermine it.

A Final Thought

Money avoidance is usually rooted in kindness, fairness and a desire to be good. Those qualities do not disappear when you develop a healthier relationship with money. In fact, they often strengthen.

By understanding your script and gently reframing it, you create more space for stability, generosity and choice. And you can do so in a way that stays true to your values.